And the Winner Is...

So, we finally have a new President of the United States and I will do the perfectly proper thing and say "Congratulations, President Elect Barack Obama"! After all the mud-slinging political ads and annoying phone calls, I'm glad it's done!

Now, I realize that the economy and national security are important issues for the new President; however, as I am getting a bit--ahem--older, I am concerned about the rest home situation. My 401k is scary to look at these days, our home value is dropping as I write this, but I still have to shop! So, I freak out a bit when I think about where and how my golden years will be spent. As most of you know, the conditions in rest homes around the country are deplorable. I keep imagining the following scenario for myself in a rest home:

Me: Ringing the bedside bell incessantly...

Orderly: Yes Miss Janice, what do you need?

Me: Well, I just wanted to point out that my dinner tray is not set up properly.

Orderly: What do you mean Miss Janice?

Me: The fork should be to the left and the knife and spoon to the right of my plate.

Orderly: But Miss Janice, you are being spoon fed, you don't need a knife and fork. However, we will be sure to remember that in the future.

Me: And...the napkin should be folded neatly and placed to the left of the fork.

Orderly: Well, your napkin is tucked into the neck of your nightgown.

Me: Oh no, I can't have that! Only children under the age of four tuck their napkins.

Orderly: Okay Miss Janice, we'll place your napkin to the left of that fork for you.

Me: Don't hang up, where are my Waterford goblets? I know I brought them with me.

Orderly: Miss Janice, you drink from a sippy cup.

Me: Well, sippy cups are made for Merlot, so please put some real juice in that thing.

Orderly: Uh, okay Miss Janice.

Me: Listen, last night I won $5 at bingo and if I put that with my stash from under my mattress, I can go online and bid on that Chanel pocketbook on ebay. Do you have a password I can use?

Orderly: Are you kidding me? You squandered all your money during your youth and I don't think you have enough money for an expensive pocketbook on ebay!

Me: If you go back to the stock room and find my grocery cart I brought in when I checked into this place, you'll find some nice pocketbooks and china. You also find some good merlot underneath all that stuff to pour into this sippy cup of mine. Listen, I've been sniping on ebay for years, so can I please just have your password?

Orderly: Yes ma'am, I'll get a wheelchair and hook you up with a computer right now.

Me: Also, I want to be on that bus in the morning for church.

Orderly: I will take care of that and will lay out your best pant suit tonight.

Me: Excuuuuuse me?? A proper Southern lady would never wear pants into the House of the Lord. Get one of those Jackie Kennedy suits I have and press it for me, would you please?

Orderly: Yes ma'am Miss Janice.

Me: Thank you, and by the way, can someone get some linen spray from Alda Ellis to spray my Pratesi sheets? Y'all are so sweet to me!

Orderly: Yes ma'am Miss Janice.

President Elect Obama, you have a huge job ahead of you. It is my prayer to God that He will lead you and that you will go to Him for your guidance during your tenure as President.